“D” is for “Draw near…”

by BetsyFaithPosted on No Comments

“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” –James 4:8

This verse seemed so attainable to me as a child; I remember having such a simple faith that allowed me to just accept that I could pray anytime, anywhere, and He would hear me. I had no doubt that I had His complete and unwavering attention. As I got older, though, and life began to reveal its undesirable potential, I often found myself drawing closer to other things–not to my loving, sovereign God.

Several years ago when I was studying to become a teacher, I remember being introduced to a graphic organizer for learning about analogies, and one of the concepts for students to consider about an idea was “what it is not.” In other words, exploring the concepts that may seem to correspond with the chosen idea, but in reality are anything from a close misconception to a complete opposite of the desired concept. I have since pondered applying this idea of “what it is not” to walking by faith. If I’m not drawing near to God, then I’m drawing near to something He is not–either something I don’t perceive as bad and often unintentionally replacing Him in my life, or something completely wrong that is counterproductive to everything He wants for me in my life. 

This idea also corresponds with being grateful–when I focus on what I have and the many blessings I have enjoyed and continue to enjoy and look forward to enjoying, I experience a peace and contentment that is not common in this life, though it is always there if I just choose it. When I focus on what is not there, i.e. what I don’t have and continually long for, I am miserable and prone to live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction. It seems a basic concept, yet I’ve struggled with keeping the priorities of my focus in order! My challenge to you, my sweet blessing of a grandchild, is to cling to your childlike faith throughout life. Be encouraged that we all struggle, yet God is always near, whether we “feel” it or not.

Now for a real-life example: I pray every week for guidance in what to write to you, and this morning prior to the church service, there was the usual scrolling of pictures on the screens while people were getting seated. One of those pictures was of a group of preschoolers in a classroom, some of them with their arms raised and all with smiles on their faces. I immediately was transported back about ten years to a time when I was helping out in a nursery at a church I’d attended for many years. A little boy about three years old was chatting up a storm in the next room over, and his voice sounded so much like my little boy had sounded at that age that I suddenly found myself overwhelmed, and unwelcomed hot tears streamed down my cheeks. I withdrew to the restroom to pull myself together because I didn’t want people to know how much I had yearned for more babies, to experience family in all of its wonderfulness. I’d struggled so long to accept that this long-held desire was apparently not God’s plan for me. It was easy to traipse down this road toward self-pity and wallow in my pain. 

But God (there’s that phrase again…) had given me this incredible son to raise, and though I couldn’t always see it at the time, raising him brought me such contentment and fulfillment in my life that I didn’t always appreciate my situation as much as I wish I had back then. Looking back now, I can see the blessing he was to me, and God knew what He was doing. God always knows what He is doing. I constantly try to get back to that place of childlike faith and draw near to God–letting go of how I think things should be and accepting how He has orchestrated them. It’s a journey; I am grateful that He has brought me through that vulnerability to a stability that only He can give. That is only one of the many long-term shifts in perspective through which He has guided me; I hope to share many more with you in the months and years to come. 

“C” is for “Children…”

by BetsyLifePosted on No Comments

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” –Ephesians 6:1

I struggled with where to begin on this one; there are so many angles from which to approach. Each page in the ABC book includes a brief paragraph on the side to help children understand better, so I decided to start there. This one points out that obeying one’s parents may not always be easy, but it is right. It continues by saying that God has planned for children to have a mother and father to love and care for them. Upon reading this, I instantly knew where to begin.

God’s design for this world became blemished when Adam and Eve sinned, and all of us followed suit, resulting in the flawed world in which we live. The innocence of youth is eventually tainted by our experiences in this world. I had always dreamed as most little girls do of getting married and having a family; eventually, as I matured I imagined creating memories of hayrides and holidays around fireplaces and camping trips–the whole “Currier & Ives” meets “Precious Moments” lookbook. I never dreamed of being a single mother and struggling to raise a child alone–more like Paradise Lost meets Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day. 

As a little girl, I tried to obey my parents as I should, but as I mentioned last time, I also formed this paradigm in my mind that being good would ensure everything working out as it should, aka, the way I wanted it to. I’m still learning that everything works out as it should because God uses the many layers of incidents, choices, relationships, and everything else in our lives for our good–to those who love Him (Rom. 8:28). Fast forward to my young adulthood, I started seeing that circumstances weren’t always turning out how I’d expected, which opened my mind to the possibility that maybe it didn’t necessarily matter how I acted since being good wasn’t panning out. 

I eventually questioned what my motivation was in doing good, but in the interim, I made some foolish choices that laid out the trajectory of my life to come. On the other hand, I also learned that my making mistakes didn’t mean that God was no longer in control; He always knew what I was going to do and loved me anyway. He showed me that I couldn’t mess up His plan. 

All that to say, obeying one’s parents and following the Bible in general must be for the right reasons–to bring glory to God, not to achieve something via earning brownie points. By following His Word, we show our love and devotion to Him. Life is unpredictable; trusting God with our “going out” and our “coming in” (Ps. 121:8) is the only way to find peace and really find purpose in this life. I could write an entire book (maybe even a trilogy!) on the tapestry God has woven in my life despite all of the chaos, drama, and sin–as I get older, it comforts me to see some of the beauty that has arisen amidst the destruction I’ve inadvertently created and endured. Not in vain does He allow the pain that we bring upon ourselves. 

My Own Understanding

by BetsyFaith, LifePosted on 3 Comments

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. –Proverbs 3:5-6

I’ve known these verses practically since I could talk; unfortunately, sometimes when things become too commonplace in my mind, I tend to overlook the most conspicuous concepts. I have often become hung up on the “trust in the Lord” part, focusing on what that looks like in my day-to-day life. I can’t always articulate what I need to do in those times when “trust in the Lord” comes to my mind. What am I to do? Or, what am I not to do? I’ve often returned to the concept that I cannot mess up God’s plan, no matter what I choose in a challenging situation. He uses everything to work together in a most intricately brilliant fashion to bring about the necessary results.

I’ve come to the point of looking beyond the first clause of the sentence to decipher what trusting with all my heart might look like. A theme with which I’ve been wrestling this year is “lean not on your own understanding.” I have no trouble identifying what that looks like in my life; it’s only natural that as human beings, we tend to use prior knowledge and experience to make decisions and form hypotheses of sorts. I rely heavily on my own understanding–but here it clearly guides me not to lean on it. When I link this clause with the previous one, it becomes much clearer that a vital pillar in the structure of trusting the Lord is not to give ultimate credence to what I think I know or can predict or assume to be true or expected. That’s not a simple task, and like so many others, I anticipate I’ll be continuously learning to lean elsewhere for my understanding–on the only reliable source.

When I don’t know what to think or believe or choose, and I discount my own understanding, I sit in that abysmal place of indecision and pray for direction. When I don’t have a concrete plan in place and no viable option seems to stand out among the rest, what can I do? I can finish reading the verse, for starters: “In all your ways acknowledge Him…” What does that mean in the context of the situation at hand? I find peace in acknowledging His sovereignty; He has always come through, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. My encouragement for the new year is this: 1. Hide His Word in my heart. 2. Don’t overvalue my own understanding. 3. Find peace in His sovereignty.

When the right hand is left out…

by BetsyFaith, LifePosted on No Comments

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time shooting hoops lately in order to break up the utter monotony of my solitary work days. I have always had an unconventional way of shooting, but it works for me—I have a two-handed shot. Most people use one hand to propel the ball and the other to guide it, but no, not me.

I sincerely missed my right hand and its reliability!

My unique shooting style was not by conscious choice. During the summer before my freshman year in high school, I was in a car accident wherein one of my injuries was a broken right elbow. Since I am right-handed, I started high school trying to develop some ambidextrous skills.

Though my handwriting left much to be desired, it actually improved over time (this was long before computers or even word processors—okay, I’ve lost most of the modern world on that one…). Since my friends and I were very much obsessed with basketball, I often hung around while they played, and I practiced spinning the ball using my left hand. Again, this skill began to improve over time, but I sincerely missed my right hand and its reliability!

…it would never be the same.

Eventually, after two surgeries and weeks of physical therapy, I was able to use my right arm again—but it would never be the same. The effects of not using that arm had caused the muscles to atrophy, and though I regained strength over time, I had resorted to relying on my left arm to compensate on so many levels. I discovered that I could actually spin the basketball really easily with my right hand, though I had never done it before that point. Using my left hand immediately seemed foreign and awkward when it came to spinning the ball, though I had been practicing with it for weeks.

…a teammate tried to convince me to alter my shot…

On the other hand (pun intended?) when it came to shooting, I found that I lacked the strength to propel the ball to the hoop with my now inferior right arm, so I shifted my entire approach to split the aim and the strength between both of my arms. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I gained accuracy, however, and I played basketball that way all through high school. When I went to college, a teammate tried to convince me to alter my shot, and I gave it a try, but it was an utter failure. Four years was more than enough to establish the habit, and even if I didn’t look like the other girls when I shot, I was much more accurate with my own way of shooting.

Events and choices affect us often for years after the fact. Some adults in my life told me years later that I was a much more serious teenager after experiencing the ordeal of that car accident. Though I am sure their observations were correct on some level, I didn’t focus on the accident or see myself that way—I remember enjoying the challenge of spinning that basketball on my left hand and seeing how well I could sign my name with my left hand and playing seasons of basketball with my lifelong friends, and shooting the ball with both hands. 

It’s always a choice of what we take away from an experience…

It’s always a choice of what we take away from an experience; that ordeal shaped part of who I am today. I had begun to learn the lifelong lesson of trusting God with my weaknesses since what I’d relied on for strength was taken away. Psalm 46:1-3 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.” After this ordeal, I learned to appreciate my physical strength when it returned though I had begun to understand that God’s strength is what I needed–He never leaves me, no matter the problem or storm. 

Expiration dates

by BetsyFaithPosted on No Comments

When “normal” gets flipped on edge and then flipped again, it’s difficult to tell which way is up.

The concept of normal has been rewritten for all of us–it is nearly unheard of that we can all share the same event, especially at the same time. Though our individual experiences will vary, we are going through this disruption of “normal” together. Such common scenes on television as people enjoying a meal in a crowded restaurant or a packed audience on an awards show have begun to look strange and even unacceptable. When “normal” gets flipped on edge and then flipped again, it’s difficult to tell which way is up.

God wasn’t blindsided by this.

On March 3rd, a tornado ravaged the area where I live and decimated the school where I work. We praise God for the fact that it occurred at night and not during the school day. Although this colossal event wreaked enough havoc in itself, there was always hope–God wasn’t blindsided by this. He had already been working in peoples’ lives in the midst and all around the effects of this ordeal. People from all walks of life had stepped up to volunteer their time and resources to make what needed to happen take place. Several venues were lined up for us to resume school after the break, but then, plans had to be changed again with the attempts to quarantine the virus. Teacher training was then altered to include groups smaller than ten. And now, everyone is working from home, teaching and troubleshooting tech issues via text and email and occasional video conference. 

Waves of hopelessness and disappointment have nearly drowned me in the past.

Spending my days alone in a room day after day, I find that I have to be on constant defense against all of the negative thoughts that can creep in if I allow them. Waves of hopelessness and disappointment have nearly drowned me in the past. Looking at the impact on both the lives of individuals and the global economy, it’s hard to even imagine what the world will look like when the dust settles. In my old normal, I could usually focus on the goal or the end of the ordeal. When there is no concrete date of conclusion and uncertainty rules, it’s rather overwhelming to keep facing each day. 

“When the earth and all its people quake, it is I who hold its pillars firm.”

In Ephesians 6:14, we are charged to “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place.” So what truths do I cling to? In Psalm 75:3, the Lord says, “When the earth and all its people quake, it is I who hold its pillars firm.” Do I trust that He is in control? Or was my trust in the familiarity of “normal” that had lulled me into complacency? The whole earth is quaking; nothing is going to be as it was before. Yet, I have a peace that lives in the realm of the unexplained. Philippians 4:7 says, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I have to go to Him for that peace multiple times a day, and He always obliges. 

I’ve never wanted sour milk so badly in my life. 

Occasionally in the past, I had taken note of grocery expiration dates in relation to looking forward to an event, like “that will be close to Christmas” or “spring will be here by then.” I went to the grocery store about ten days ago, and I found myself evaluating the expiration dates on the milk, wondering if this would all be over by the time the milk soured. I’ve never wanted sour milk so badly in my life. 

When those little things work out…

by BetsyFaith, LifePosted on No Comments

29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. [Matthew 10:29-31]

One time when I left the grocery store a few years ago, I had decided to also grab a movie to watch. I selected one from the kiosk and proceeded to the car with my son and the groceries. After unloading the groceries into the car, my son and I got in and headed out to pick up one of his friends a couple of miles away. While situating backpacks and groceries in the trunk, it occurred to me that I didn’t know where the movie was. I inspected all of the grocery bags, but it was nowhere to be found. I asked my son if he’d seen it, but he hadn’t either. We returned to the grocery store, and I located the cart I had recently parked in the cart collection area, and there was the movie–leaning against the side in such a manner that it blended in with its surroundings. I was so thankful that someone hadn’t seen it and taken it.

When I was in college, I drove a smallish mid-80’s station wagon that had a roof rack. I used to travel from state to state visiting friends during breaks, and one time when I had stopped for gas, I inadvertently had left the gas cap on top of the car. About 200 miles later, I had stopped for gas again, opened the gas door and was surprised to see the gas cap was missing. For a moment, I worried that I’d left it at that gas station in another state, but then it instantly hit me to check the roof. I slid my hand along the edge of the roof rack back to the crosspiece that ran perpendicular to it, and there, wedged into the corner, was my gas cap. I was so thankful I didn’t have to figure out how to replace it on the road or back at school.

…ponder all those times that the event didn’t happen.

My son has a habit of putting things in unconventional places, and more than once, he has placed his wallet in the space between the left rear view mirror and the driver’s door. One time when I happened to be riding with him, he had driven about ten miles down the highway before he suddenly realized it was still out there, wedged in. Thankfully, he was able to pull over and retrieve it before it became litter along the roadside. Ironically, we once found someone’s wallet beside the road and were able to return it to him. The man was extremely grateful. Somehow, I don’t think my son’s wallet would’ve been returned if he’d lost it by the highway in that area!

We have lost things on occasion from leaving them on the vehicle as well, like a pair of gloves left on the rear bumper and one of my son’s skis from the bed of the truck–though that is where we transported them, not that we’d left it there by accident. We had hit a substantial pothole and the one ski had apparently flown out unbeknownst to us, but after several days of searching and putting up posters about the lost ski, someone contacted us about his finding it, and we were able to get it back. We never found the gloves.

God shows me that He is just that omniscient and powerful to know about every little thing in my life, no matter how trivial I think it may be.

I think the real lesson is to ponder all those times that the event didn’t happen. How many times have I remembered my keys rather than locking them in the vehicle? How many times have I passed through traffic unscathed rather than that time that I waited for hours in gridlock? It helps me to shift my focus to the longevity of what I take for granted as normal; it helps me to put those trifling nuisances into perspective.

Though I prefer things to be easy, believing that God knows what He’s up to helps when they’re not.

When I start thinking that those little things don’t matter to God, He shows me that He is just that omniscient and powerful to know about every little thing in my life, no matter how trivial I think it may be. And even when things don’t go according to my plan, He is using those events, those details, those frustrations as part of a picture so much larger and more complex than I can ever imagine. So it’s not my place to worry; I only have to live and trust. Though I prefer things to be easy, believing that God knows what He’s up to helps when they’re not.

Seeking the Source

by BetsyFaithPosted on No Comments

Several years ago, I read that I would have to walk the entire length of a football field to burn off the calories from eating one M&M. If that ratio is even remotely accurate, it has had a profound effect on my eating habits, or at least the thought process that I embark upon before indulging in something decadent. Then it becomes a test of my mathematical skills and how many treats I can justify enjoying.

I have recently started working out at a gym to combat the effects of a myriad of M&M’s and other sweets that are my weakness. Forcing myself to focus on some rarely used muscles has brought some realizations to light. Over the years, I have injured myself periodically. I have broken my right elbow and my right ankle, and unrelatedly, the only teeth in my mouth that have issues are on the right side. I think it probably has something to do with my left brain being so controlling, and perhaps subconsciously trying to protect the other side. (I am posing like a thinking emoji at this point).

It’s strange to think that even after all those years, not only my body retains the memory of the injury, but my mind obviously plays a part in how I respond to it.

Although some might say it is coincidental, I believe there is more to it than happenstance. For example, I have noticed that when I work out I tend to tense up unrelated parts of my body. When I do bicep curls, for some reason I tense my left leg. In response to this realization, I began intentionally relaxing my leg when I do this exercise, but it has taken some serious focus for me to do so. In addition, when I do hamstring curls, my left leg tries to take over and do the bulk of the work. Now, this motion seems more obvious–my right leg spent some time incapacitated years ago when I broke that ankle, so my left leg tries to bear the weight, literally.

It’s strange to think that even after all those years, not only my body retains the memory of the injury, but my mind obviously plays a part in how I respond to it. Although I continue to rewire my thoughts to equalize my workout, I don’t seem to be making much progress. Habits supposedly take about a month of repetition to form, but I don’t go to the gym everyday, so I don’t seem to be changing how I respond.

Deciphering why I respond in a certain way to an impetus has helped me to make progress in other areas, or at least understand myself a little better.

Honestly, I’m none the worse for wear in that respect. Sure, one side of my body is always going to be stronger, but that’s not uncommon. This entire realization ultimately led to a deeper one. The injuries I have sustained emotionally and mentally are substantially ingrained in my mind as well, and probably much more detrimental than any physical compensation I have made. Have you ever asked yourself, “Why do I get angry when…?” or “Why do I always seem to…?” Deciphering why I respond in a certain way to an impetus has helped me to make progress in other areas, or at least understand myself a little better. For example, I began asking myself, “Why do I still feel compelled to eat everything on my plate even though I’m often full beforehand?” On the surface, I know that being forced to clean my plate when I was growing up has had an impact on my eating habits to this day. But there’s more to it than the obvious.

Upon deeper reflection, I realized I had connected performance to acceptance by certain people in my life, and somehow, eating everything on my plate was a standard I strove to meet daily for years in the subliminal hopes that I would be worthy of acceptance. This went on for years, not just 30 days. Such an established habit is difficult to undo, especially with the performing for acceptance piece woven within, through and around it. This is just one example. I have response mechanisms in place for so many aspects of my life–as all of us do. I try to address the ones that have had the most substantial negative effects.

Believing that His grace is sufficient removes the onus to “fix” everything that is awry and rest in the knowledge that He is strong and in control despite my weakness.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God promises “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” He doesn’t say He will perfect us here on earth; this isn’t heaven. His strength is perfected in weakness. These everyday struggles–food, acceptance, rejection, whatever fills in the blank–are the means of God weaving His strength into our lives. This beautiful enigma is both challenging and comforting. Believing that His grace is sufficient removes the onus to “fix” everything that is awry and rest in the knowledge that He is strong and in control despite my weakness. I can’t mess up His plan. Sure, I have made some poor choices, but His grace is still sufficient. I have failed to break bad habits–His grace is still sufficient. I will strive to instill the habit of relying on Him in all things–His grace is always sufficient.