A time to wait…

Although I know that my performance does not determine my worth, I am convinced it will continue to be a struggle for me to live like I believe it. Last year, I moved away from my long-time hometown. Adapting to a new area where I have no bearings has been quite the adjustment. While I didn’t have a steady job, I struggled with identifying my purpose and the direction I should be pursuing in my career.

I struggled with identifying my purpose and the direction I should be pursuing in my career.

Each time I thought I was making a right decision, I ended up in a job that was not a good fit. I was accepting offers out of desperation–the need to feel valuable, to have a sense of purpose. I was able to walk away from the first ill-fitting position, and once I realized that the second one was not for me either, I prepared to give my notice. However, the situation had already been taken into account by the powers that be, and even if I’d had any second thoughts about staying, the Lord closed that door because the place was shut down at the same time that I had planned to leave.

The decision now came down to choosing out of abundance as opposed to desperation.

For two more months, I hunted and struggled and planned and prayed, and slowly whittled away what little profit I had had from selling my home of 17 years. I had more interviews and even an offer that was similar to the first two positions that weren’t right for me, but having finally learned something, I turned it down even though it was the only offer on the table, and I was more desperate than ever to have an income. Then, all of a sudden I had an offer for a part-time position followed by two full-time positions–all of which I felt very comfortable accepting. The decision now came down to choosing out of abundance as opposed to desperation.

My mind wandered back to a year ago when I knew it was time to move after years of anticipating the move. I wondered if maybe I had gotten it wrong. Maybe I had rushed the process and should have waited until this year. But I knew that the timing had been right. Looking back on this year of job and income inconsistencies and personal struggles with purpose and direction, one might think that this was a wasted year. But it wasn’t. My outlook has evolved, and I have learned so much about where I am now in my life, both physically and mentally. This year didn’t allow me to produce much from a worldly perspective, but I have found strength and understanding that I could not have obtained any other way.

His timing is perfect regardless of my plans; I can’t mess up His plan!

I recently read a verse a friend had posted–let me rephrase that. I recently MISREAD a verse a friend had posted: I waited impatiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry (Psalm 40:1). When I realized that David had written “patiently,” not impatiently, I had to smile at my error and the fact that it wouldn’t have mattered if David had waited impatiently, because the Lord’s faithfulness doesn’t depend on our perception. I was impatient for circumstances to work out, but He still worked in my life through the process. Would it have been any different if I’d been patient? Probably not. His timing is perfect regardless of my plans; I can’t mess up His plan! And yes, I am probably just a little more sure of that now than I was a year ago.